Why can't men regulate themselves?

Dear "She":

You are inviting men to speak up... and I am a man; so I guess it would make sense that I should respond to this question: Why can't men regulate themselves? Your post confused me somewhat... first you say that you believe that men and women should act in a complimentary way and then you indicate that you agree with our male feminist that men should regulate themselves... so which is it?  Are these two "arrangements" mutually exclusive?  And what exactly does it mean for men to regulate themselves? 

Personally I only agree with one of these statements: men and women should act in a complimentary way.  The reason I believe in this statement is that man is intrinsically a social being.  God created Adam and Eve, not just Adam, not just Eve.  Through the union of man and woman a child is engendered and humanity carries on.  Societies function only with a proper interaction of men with other men... it is impossible for me to be a doctor, a farmer, a lawyer, a construction worker and an accountant all at the same time.  We are social beings.  We must rely one upon another to achieve sanctity.  Herein lies the purpose for Holy Matrimony.  Intrinsic to the vocation is that a man lead his wife to sanctity and that a woman inspire her man to the same.  Herein also lies the purpose for Holy Orders.  Intrinsic to this vocation is that a man inspire his flock and that a flock inspire its pastor.  So... should a man regulate himself?  If by this we mean that a man can alone reach his sanctification, I would say NO.  A man cannot by his own powers reach the heights of sanctification.  In fact this is a heresy that was petaled by a man named Pelagius in the early years of Church history, condemned by the Catholic Church.  A man needs the grace of God disbursed to him in whichever way that God sees fit... I see the inspiration that a woman brings to a man as being one of God's greatest graces.

In terms of your disbelief that there are men in the world who care greatly about the formation of their children both daughters and sons... please.  Some great men and women are the direct consequence of their own will and determination to succeed in life; their lives are an inspiration to us all as they have overcome countless difficulties and hardships.  Some are the daughters and sons of great mothers and horrible fathers.  Some are the daughters and sons of great fathers and horrible mothers.  MOST are the daughters and sons of great fathers and great mothers.  Why?  I think that great people are those filled with compassion, mercy, great love, but also boldness, courage, strength, humility, internal fortitude and passion.  Some of these virtues are taught best by a mother, others by a father.  Almost every conversation that I have with friends, family or coworkers makes mention of a great person... some that are known by every person that reads this blog, others only known by myself and the person speaking to me.  Just think of how many conversations you've had in the past few days that centered around a great person.  Do you think none of these people had great fathers? 

Now, I agree that not every man in the world cares about the formation of his children. What is the solution to situations where this dilema presents itself?  Yes, in part a man must take responsibility, ownership and care.  But part of that responsibility is to seek help from those who are able to provide it:  foremost God, also his brothers and friends both male and female and his wife.  We are a cooperative, social, complimentary beings.

-HE

A Little Bit of This, and A Little Bit of That...

Dear Bloggers,

Forgive my delayed response, but I hope that my following comments give us more to talk about and provide answers to some questions, and of course raise more questions based upon your recent comments to our last post, WANTED: Virtuous Women for Great Men.


Just a question to begin with, but are not a man and woman meant to interact in a complimentary way that brings out the best of her femininity and his masculinity?

I do believe that men should lead and teach other men and young boys to response accordingly to the cues women give that can inspire men to be their best for the domestic and civil order of life. I believe we are to cooperate in society in a complimentary manner. A blogger asked, “Why can’t men regulate themselves?” Well I agree, so… men, where are you? I invite you to speak up, show us doubting women that you are leading and teaching young boys to be men so that women can step out of this role, because I agree, women should not be teaching boys how to become men because obviously we are not men. Look back in history; this was not the way in any social and cultural period of time. Thank you blogger for that question. Men should always be demonstrating self-control and personal accountability. What kind of man was Christ?

I will reiterate that women can drive society and families based upon their influential attitudes and behaviors. Is it our influence upon the men that can help them become great men and maintain their roles in society based upon our support? So really it isn’t that women should lead men, but how can we support authentic masculinity? Now, this does bring us back to the question of identifying authentic masculinity, which a blogger, La Italiana, raised. Again, we are still discussing and trying to identify the answer to that question: what is authentic masculinity? If we know this maybe we can get back to the discussion on fatherhood that "He" proposed earlier.

Recently, on a plane ride I had a conversation with a man in his 40s, African-American, married and father of two young children, and I asked him what makes a man a man? I wanted to know his perspective on what makes a man truly masculine especially since he works in the sports industry, a traditionally masculine domain. He summarized what makes a man a man as his ability to lead his family or circle of influence by being supportive, accountable, ethical, self-confident, and prudent. He also described true male traits as timeless, and that what makes a man a man really depends upon environment that affects his natural tendencies.

Considering his last point,I think we can all see that we are confused in our roles and how we interact because distinctions between femininity and masculinity are no longer appreciated. The current culture has depreciated human nature causing a breakdown in our relationships and the social systems. So I think this is why we are asking and looking for the authentic forms of manhood and womanhood because we recognize that there is a problem. We have spent so much time seeking gender equality that we have now distorted our understanding of human sexuality. It is okay to celebrate and use for good these differences between men and women. We are not equal in nature; God did not intend us to be neuter. He made Adam, a man, and Eve a woman, and asked them to work together.

I agree with a recent blogger that it is a two way street, and it is about complimentary interaction, but we do need to recognize that there are differences in the natural tendencies of masculinity and femininity in order to restore balance to things like fatherhood, as previously mentioned, and other social and cultural systems. The concept of being neutral or somewhere in the middle as a blogger raised is contrary to our nature.

Well, like a I said, these are my thoughts on a little of this and a little of that from our week's discourse. Please continue to reply and share your thoughts openly with an authentic desire to seek Truth. I appreciate everyone's input and varied perspectives!

Thanks again,
She said

WANTED: Virtuous Women for Great Men

Dear "He",

Life is busy in Atlanta these days, and finally the rain seems to have stopped and the sun is shining, more or less. Don't forget to send pictures of the beautiful Rockies and the snow I miss!

Okay...like you say, the power of a woman's beauty, her true beauty, is to inspire a man to greatness; but doesn't the man need to recognize that what she offers is true, and that what she demonstrates in virtue is the gift of transformative love?

Also you mention the idea of service to each other, and as I see it, the woman sets the standards and the man chooses to rise to these standards, and in doing so both can be changed by this kind of unselfish, sacrificial love, right? Ideally, the woman sacrifices her own needs by serving the man to encourage him to become more virtuous or great (although, he must change by his own free will). In a practical sense, what I'm saying is that if a woman is setting standards to help the man be the best that he can be, she is thinking of him before herself with every thought, word, and deed that she does in relation to him, but then the man needs to reciprocate, and as a blogger wrote in an earlier piece, fight temptation and doubt consistently in order to rise to the standards that really are about leading both the man and woman to a true act of loving each other, right?

Now for fear of sounding negative, bear with me for a second, how many men have walked away from the kind of love or opportunity to be transformed because he failed to recognize truth and beauty? I guess these men lack the ability from previous experiences that have left them broken, or is it ignorance? I don't know...the answer probably varies. Tell me otherwise, but from my perspective what makes a man, a man on one hand is that he is capable of recognizing transformative truth and beauty because of his strong character, decisiveness to hold on to it, and ultimately his ability to protect this kind of love upon finding it. Although, to be and do all this he needs Christ at the center of his heart if he is honestly going to know this kind of love and even know how to respond to it, otherwise his notion of greatness and love are based upon his limited humanity and what the culture has taught him about love. What I'm saying is that even with virtuous women, men must still choose to respond to the call to greatness...maybe that's just the thing...if I'm thinking we are lacking responsive men, then we must be lacking in virtuous women?

You reference great women who have inspired men to become honorable, so how do you propose we could reinstitute in our current culture this notion of mutual service that would require women to uphold standards and men to meet them? From your perspective, what specifically is it about a woman that inspires man to be great?

Lastly, I would say to women that we need to look and decide what changes need to take place in our hearts and minds in order to inspire an upswing in the amount of great men. If we are being guided by false notions of love and self that have caused us to stray from being dignified women, how will we be women who inspire men to greatness?

Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said in a nutshell, the level of womanhood determines the level of society...I think both sides have a lot of work to do, but what do you think, is it the women who have the upper hand to inspire change?

She Said.

Return of the Authenticity!

He said... To start off, I would like to recognize some fantastic contributions that have been made to our blog.  I thank all those who have taken the time to contribute and comment on our reflections.  This is the sort of interaction that makes our discussion rich and educational for all of us.

Dear "She"... I hope the weather is nice in Atlanta.  The weather man is calling for snowstorms this week here in the mountains. 

I like your reflections on masculinity and how women can contribute or detract from authentic masculinity.  I would like to focus some further reflection on your conjecture that "it is that women have the ability to build men up to be virtuous or to lead them astray". 

I could not agree more with you... and I believe that herein lies the essence of your most recent thesis.  My belief is that both men and women are called to a relationship of service and support the one toward the other.  So when one asks, what is the proper relationship of a woman toward a man, I would say the proper relationship is one of service, as would be the proper relationship of the same man toward a woman. 

When I read your line "it is that women have the ability to build men up to be virtuous or to lead them astray", I immediately thought of St. Monica, the mother of Saint Augustine, one of the great doctors and foremost theologians in the history of Western Civilization.  St. Monica is attributed with being perhaps the single greatest instrument in bringing about the conversion of Augustine from the truest forms of paganism.  With her prayers and pious example she was a true servant to St. Augustine.   She served him by helping him to grow in holiness and wisdom.  Other great examples can be found in more modern days as well... Eleanor Roosevelt, Nancy Reagan... Condoleza Rice (these are just a few that come to mind quickly).  The saying goes, behind every great man there is a great woman.  A woman's beauty in its truest form inspires a man to pursue greatness...

A Return to Authenticity

She Said...Before looking at specific roles like fatherhood and addressing what has damaged it, I'm interested in knowing what men believe it means to be an authentic man, and how they want to see women supporting them in their roles. I invite the women to discuss what it means to be truly feminine, and how we envision men protecting our femininity. If we begin first by discussing masculinity and femininity, I think we will better see the pitfalls of where things have gone wrong in roles like fatherhood because we will expose the imbalance caused by straying from the natural traits and behaviors specific to our sexuality. In a nutshell, God intended man for certain roles and woman for others based upon our fundamental nature, so when we divert from the natural order, of course relationships and interactions between men and women, child and parent, and ultimately man and God suffer.

So what has Christ taught us about our fundamental nature? What is it that men think makes a man a man?

For women, there are many beautiful passages in the bible that speak to femininity and what God requires of us as women.  For instance, Proverbs 31: 28-31 is a beautiful message to women, "charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". Even before that it is written in Proverbs that "she is clothed with strength and dignity"(Prv 31:35). We have all witnessed women in social settings displaying themselves in a far opposite manner than with strength and dignity. It's sad because these women are judged by what they wear and act, and it isn't necessarily what is written in their hearts; and yet it is what they are projecting. It is women's behavior that can draw men away from virtue and from being men who respect the dignity of women. After all if we do not respect ourselves, how do we expect to earn it, or to have others see us as worthy of respect?

However, I think that as women we are called to change the culture by how we dress and act, and the Lord wants us to do this because He tells us exactly the kind of women that we should be; the kind that is worthy of praise. Although, when we present ourselves as objects, we are not only inviting men to be tempted by what is not virtuous, but we hurt those women who are striving to lead virtuous lives. When we as women do things that do not help men grow in virtue, in a sense we are affecting how one man may behave with every other woman he meets down the road after you. To relate this to the post on fatherhood, I believe women have the influence to shape society for good or bad, based upon how we treat and view our sexuality and human dignity which affects dating, marriage, and parenting. There are so many factors that go into shaping a man for fatherhood, and how he views women, love and service prior to marriage influences his behavior as a father. Having said this, what can we expect of men, if prior to marriage we as women collectively create an environment that says it's okay to objectify women?

Do not misunderstand me, I do think that men are personally responsible for their actions, and at the same time I ask how do our actions, as women, hinder or help the men to be virtuous leaders in society and in their family?  I believe that women have a great influence over the rise and fall of a society and certainly over the rise and fall of her family, and if the current culture and history teaches us anything, it is that women have the ability to build men up to be virtuous or to lead them astray. Look at the course of how women have been exploited and objectified in the past 30 years, the men did not do that alone...we allowed ourselves to be objectified; I say that we willfully participated, and for what? gender equality? How foolish we are to think that when we stray from our fundamental nature that there will not be negative consequences. On a side note, thankfully there are movements in our culture saying that they have had enough of this, but we need more of these types of groups to be vocal.

Lastly, just something to think about, men and women born in the 1960s or later have been bombarded by feminist thinking which has shaped how we view our sexuality today, which has me wondering how has feminism damaged the roles of men and women? From the man's perspective, how has it damaged fatherhood, marriages, family, and dating?