An Interesting Perspective On Men and Nurturing

Dear "He",

I was reading this article and it reminded me of your original post on the impact of war on fatherhood. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that more or less the premise of your piece was about men lacking the ability to care and show love to their sons and daughters, and we were looking at the argument more from the perspective of fathers and sons. This article called "Why Men in Preschool Makes Sense" looks at the role of men in education, and what it does say about men and nurturing I think we can apply not just to education and parenting, but in other areas too. Here is an excerpt:

"As a society we associate nurturing behaviors with weakness and our culture rewards strength. A man who is caring towards children is considered less masculine and so less valuable, according to his peers, as a member of society. This is where the tired cliché of "woman's work" turns on its head. Not that only women should care for children but that caring for children is a skill or capacity that is squashed in men from a young age. It is societal and until we begin to help boys grow up whole, we will never have men in younger classrooms."

I was wondering if you felt this statement to be true, and if so how it could be applied to our discussion on authentic masculinity?

I am also thinking of how important it is to realize how culture influences certain traits that we claim as masculine or feminine. In our current conversations, are our expectations for masculinity and femininity heavily influenced by culture instead of what we come to know through our relationship with God? I know that of course culture plays a major role in our expectations of each other (it is hard for it not too), but reading this article and rethinking about your post made me wonder that perhaps sometimes even as practicing Christians we can allow culture to guide our expectations more than our relationship with God.

Just a note in regard to the article and education, but when looking at the history of American education, traditionally men were the first professional educators and tutors, and then it shifted to a more female dominated profession. I mention this just because it is worth noting how certain roles traditionally associated with gender do change when social and cultural beliefs and principles change and I think that this does shape what we see as masculine and feminine. Granted prior to the Suffrage movement and similiar points in history, of course men dominated the professions, but again the point being is to consider the influence culture has on our views of masculinity and femininity, and that the danger can be forgetting God's role in it all.

-She Said

Morning Reflection

Good Morning "HE" and Bloggers,

This morning in prayer I read Romans 12:5-16, and perhaps this passage can help us understand the importance of men and women working in a complimentary manner, and also not just men and women, but in friendships too, man to man, and woman to woman; the premise is that we are each individual parts but all connected. I specifically was drawn to the line: "love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor." I thought of our recent discussion and comments and I hope that this reading offers additional support to help us examine our behaviors and attitudes toward each other in friendships, dating, and marriage.

-She Said

No Free Passes Here

Dear Blogger,

Where do I tell women to lower their standards? From experience and observation, at times we have our love for a man in the wrong order, meaning that we love the man more than loving Christ. Even good, God-fearing women can do this sometimes and not realize it until things drastically change. Also, remember that not all relationships are meant for marriage, no matter how in-love we are or how much we think that the relationship is "the one"; things can change, and so they will end...one way or another...some worse than others. This can be part of the plan until we do meet the right person. I think this can be seen as God's mercy and way to show us perhaps we need to grow more and learn more about true love or grow in other ways; after all, this is the journey that we are on, and God weaves people in and out of our lives for a reason.

Remember that the relationship experience is about two people, and yes, we can say that the man is at fault for this or that and there can be truth to that, but what can we as women learn from our experience too? What is the good that God is teaching us even from a bad relationship experience? I also would say that we need to make sure that our hurt feelings do not make our hearts bitter towards loving another, and also, there are good men out there that probably are talking about how finding a good woman is difficult as well. I'm sure at some point they'll join this blog, or at least I hope they do. :) We can benefit from their perspective too. Back to my point, we need to self evaluate and reflect and make sure that even as good women, we do not let hurt feelings make us negative and full of doubt. God does not want us to be without hope. Romans 5:5-11 "Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us".

Asking women to pray for men and to reflect on our expectations of them does not give men a free pass, so don't worry, in fact the prayers will help ;). As you are already doing, the point is to establish a relationship with God so that we learn how to love without losing God as the first priority, and men and women both must do this. Remember too that when difficulties or break ups happen, it is God that we should turn to and seek comfort because He knows and sees all; God can never be deceived even when we are...and my faith tells me that all things, even heart ache, disappointment, and unforeseen events are all a part of His plan for me. It is up to us, men and women, to persevere and continue to hope and love. It is about how we respond to these events.

All this does not lower my standards for men. In fact what I have just described requires virtuous standards for both men and women.

-She Said

Don't Worry, I Do Believe in Good Men

Dear "HE"


Well, I have a few things to clarify for you. Again, I do believe that men and women are meant to work together in a complimentary way, and that when I wrote that I agreed with the male feminist, it was only in the concept of men regulating themselves, and by that I mean men should use their free will to make choices for themselves to either grow in virtue or not. In other words to regulate oneself I understood as simply exercising personal accountability, but definitely men are not meant to live or work alone. No one is meant to work alone. Have no fear; I am not a heretic :) More importantly, I only agree with the male feminist as far as he wrote "men should act like men" and my understanding on this is that men need to take back their roles based upon the ways God intended.

I asked men to speak up about good men because in order to help those discouraged women who sadly have not known good men it is important that they hear from you and others. What good does it do a woman to hear from another woman, that "oh yeah, don't worry, they exist"? You know?

I have noticed a couple comments from women readers who do feel discouraged and broken hearted because of their experiences and so it is important to get the attention of men to write in about the actions of good and God-fearing men. I will say in support of your writing on the purpose of marriage and I'll say relationships too, that it is a part of our road to sanctity, and I think women need to pray more about this idea when thinking about future relationships or the one that they are in now. The man is not going to fill the void in your heart, only Christ can do this, and therefore women need to be realistic in their expectations for men and relationships.

I agree that there are many great fathers, grandfathers, uncles, and male friends who give us examples of hard working, supportive, and devoted men to their families and friends. These men care very much for their children and the women in their lives. I've been fortunate enough to have a good father and grandfathers who have all shown love, but these are men of another generation. What I propose is that there is a divide in our current culture that shapes boys and young men (20s-30s). We have some who do grow up knowing what it means to be a responsible man and others who miss the message because of varying factors in their life, especially in their childhood. I think the discouragement with women comes from the difference in the men that women notice when viewing our fathers and grandfathers and then seeing the men of today. Again, that is why I called out to the men to speak up to help change this discouragement and pessimism of the women because I do believe that there are good men, great men out there. I've known them in my own family, but sadly like many other women, I have run into several men who lack a sense of who they are, direction, and the ability to commit, and not just to a woman, but over all they lack conviction unlike my father and grandfathers. This is not to say that they don't exist, because they do, you and others related to this current blog are examples, but our culture definitely shapes who we are and we have to consider what type of men our environment today shapes versus the type of men being nurtured in the 1960s when my dad was growing up or even the 1920s when my grandfathers were coming age, you see? The men who commented on your piece on fatherhood touched on this idea as well.

Lastly, this is a call to women; please change your focus from the man being your savior to Christ being your Savior. He will fill the void in your heart. The men, who we encounter in dating or marriage, are a part of our personal path with Christ to heaven. How we respond to breakups and difficulties in relationships is all part of this path to sanctity, to growing in virtue to be more like Christ. After all, God wants to be with us all and He will do what He can to save a soul. A very good priest told me that once, and it continues to resonate with me. This is something that experience is teaching me, thanks be to God! Do not be discouraged; God is the one in control, we are not, and so relax...perhaps God wants to give you the time and opportunity to pursue other things that you can only accomplish when you are single versus being married?


Have a good day!

She Said
PS. Don't forget to pray and ask for help in all things from Our Lady

On All Saint's Day

Dear Bloggers,


I had the great privilege of attending mass this afternoon at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C., and the even greater blessing to have the Apostolic Nuncio to the United States celebrate mass. I figured since I probably would only have that one opportunity to hear the Most Reverend Pietro Sambi preach, I should take notes during his homily, so here are two brief points that he gave and that I feel are relevant to our conversation on virtuous women and great men.

First, we should rediscover the company of saints and remember that we are never alone. For the discouraged and broken hearted there are many saints that we can pray to for encouragement, especially women who have dealt with heart ache and difficult men like St. Monica and St. Rita. Secondly and most importantly, all life comes from the Father and that our way to holiness is the beatitudes. This is where I was inspired to make a connection to our current discussion on masculinity and femininity. If as Christians we believe that the beatitudes (Matthew 5: 1-12) tell us exactly how Christ wants us to behave, then can we also say Christ's message of the beatitudes describes the behavior required of an authentic man and an authentic woman? If yes, then would that not help us to know more clearly what authenticity is?

Most Reverend Pietro Sambi also quoted Pope Benedict XVI who encourages men and women, being aware of human limitations, to strive to live out the beatitudes. Now, for me this is a tall order. Obviously the road to sanctity is not easy because if it were, then there would be no need to blog about men and women striving to grow in virtue and seeking to know Christ more fully; all of us would already be saints. Anyways, during mass today, this light came to me, and I felt that since we seem to struggle with identifying authenticity with regards to men and women, what if we look at the beatitudes and discuss how a man would follow them and how a woman would follow them? Since we are different in nature, we demonstrate these beatitudes in different ways, right?

What I am proposing is that in today's world when we are trying to identify what makes a man a man, or what traits define a good woman...perhaps we should be like children, keep it simple, and return to the Word of God. Just as He taught the crowds, He continues to speak to us, but our hearts must be open.

Just some thoughts for today.

She Said