Thoughts of a Catholic Man

So, I’ve been rejected now about four times—three times it hurt pretty bad, really bad in fact. The basic pattern goes like this…I become acquainted with a girl…becoming friends, or “almost” perhaps. Then, I begin my familiar cycle of trying to “woo” this girl. I’m half expecting things to go awry as soon as things start. They feel awkward and I wonder whose fault this is…mine or hers? Hmm. Things keep going on awkwardly and I’m trying to analyze every single thing that she says to me. By the end, I’m thinking “what the hell was I doing?” You’re not cool enough, or funny enough, or popular enough for any girl to want to go out with you. They may say that you’re cute or funny, but all of these things are just superficial if you’re too incompetent or shy or “unsuave” to form any real relationship and they can sense this you see. There comes a time that things have unraveled to a point where even seeing them makes your stomach clench and is strong enough to make you want to avoid being within 200 feet of them at all costs. At this point you realize that you just have to empty your heart to this girl about how you feel—like she doesn’t know this already. You have this illusion that she’s somehow going to understand once you tell her how you feel, like something truly romantic would take place.


Then, what happens is, well…nothing. Nothing romantic takes place and the happy ending that you were praying for ends up being nothing more than a realistic disaster. She says that she “just wants to be friends”. You wonder if there’s any girl in this entire world that likes you for who you are, not just who you appear to be. You might cry to yourself a bit, ask God why the hell this happened, what the point of all of this was. You wonder how you can seriously discern the priesthood if you never even have the chance to discern marriage. It seems unreasonable that God would somehow force a man into priesthood if he takes away every opportunity to be with a girl. I thought I had free will right? How do I have free will if I don’t have the opportunity to decide if I feel called to be with this one woman.

From the past experiences, you know that time (and prayer) heals all wounds and you generally fade into an existence subsisting of seeing this girl and the clenching in your stomach slowly easing with each passing day. Eventually, you find yourself to be over this girl and starting to “like” another girl. You wonder how this situation would be any different from any other—I’m certainly no different…I think…than I was before. Is this girl any different? Is she interested in a relationship with me or just being a “friend” like every other girl is these days it seems. Aren’t good Catholic girls interested in good Catholic guys? It would seem easy enough. I mean, I live here at a dorm with beautiful girls who love God and want to grow holier. I love God and it would seem that the girls here would be attracted to guys who they knew would make them holier and would raise a family in the way that they knew was the right way to raise a family. It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe I need to be a little less “infatuated”. Maybe I should be a little less “picky”. Maybe God’s telling me to stop worrying about finding a girl because I can be closer to Him in the priesthood.

It scares the hell out of me that it’s going to be one of these two options and neither of them seem to be pulling me so far.

Peace and Happy Advent.