Posts
So, I’ve been rejected now about four times—three times it hurt pretty bad, really bad in fact. The basic pattern goes like this…I become acquainted with a girl…becoming friends, or “almost” perhaps. Then, I begin my familiar cycle of trying to “woo” this girl. I’m half expecting things to go awry as soon as things start. They feel awkward and I wonder whose fault this is…mine or hers? Hmm. Things keep going on awkwardly and I’m trying to analyze every single thing that she says to me. By the end, I’m thinking “what the hell was I doing?” You’re not cool enough, or funny enough, or popular enough for any girl to want to go out with you. They may say that you’re cute or funny, but all of these things are just superficial if you’re too incompetent or shy or “unsuave” to form any real relationship and they can sense this you see. There comes a time that things have unraveled to a point where even seeing them makes your stomach clench and is strong enough to make you want to avoid being within 200 feet of them at all costs. At this point you realize that you just have to empty your heart to this girl about how you feel—like she doesn’t know this already. You have this illusion that she’s somehow going to understand once you tell her how you feel, like something truly romantic would take place.
Then, what happens is, well…nothing. Nothing romantic takes place and the happy ending that you were praying for ends up being nothing more than a realistic disaster. She says that she “just wants to be friends”. You wonder if there’s any girl in this entire world that likes you for who you are, not just who you appear to be. You might cry to yourself a bit, ask God why the hell this happened, what the point of all of this was. You wonder how you can seriously discern the priesthood if you never even have the chance to discern marriage. It seems unreasonable that God would somehow force a man into priesthood if he takes away every opportunity to be with a girl. I thought I had free will right? How do I have free will if I don’t have the opportunity to decide if I feel called to be with this one woman.
From the past experiences, you know that time (and prayer) heals all wounds and you generally fade into an existence subsisting of seeing this girl and the clenching in your stomach slowly easing with each passing day. Eventually, you find yourself to be over this girl and starting to “like” another girl. You wonder how this situation would be any different from any other—I’m certainly no different…I think…than I was before. Is this girl any different? Is she interested in a relationship with me or just being a “friend” like every other girl is these days it seems. Aren’t good Catholic girls interested in good Catholic guys? It would seem easy enough. I mean, I live here at a dorm with beautiful girls who love God and want to grow holier. I love God and it would seem that the girls here would be attracted to guys who they knew would make them holier and would raise a family in the way that they knew was the right way to raise a family. It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe I need to be a little less “infatuated”. Maybe I should be a little less “picky”. Maybe God’s telling me to stop worrying about finding a girl because I can be closer to Him in the priesthood.
It scares the hell out of me that it’s going to be one of these two options and neither of them seem to be pulling me so far.
Peace and Happy Advent.
Padre Pio
3 days ago
I just have to say you may just be too eager. Girls can pick up on this and it turns them off. I have dated some really nice guys but they were too nice and too clingy and it was a turn off.So they were told that we should just be friends. If you are in a dorm then that tells me that you have PLENTY of time to find the right girl and when you do find her you will be ready and everything will fall into place very naturally. You will not have to worry what she is thinking because she will be able to tell that you are needing communication and she will openly talk with you.You will not need to do and say "the right thing " because "the right thing" will be what comes naturally to you. You will not need to worry because it will just fit. It doesnt always happen when you want it to and you cant make it happen with someone else. It is God's will and it happened for me when I was 30. Believe me there are a lot of frogs out there and some sweet girl will find you after she has been through a few.
ReplyDeleteWell first of all let’s not fall under any illusions about what motivates men and women with relationships in general, each of us in our own way tends to see the others within their own selfish desires. How often are we truly motivated to make unselfish sacrifices that presumably put the significant other in the spotlight at our own cost? Sadly I see very little of it today and I wonder if ever that was a noteworthy part of the romantic stereotype. That being said, I think you are growing in wisdom, not always a pleasant experience I might add. Waking up is no fun at times. To see the weakness in mankind is something that a lot of us sweep under the carpet and hide from view as often as possible before anyone gets a chance to “catch it”. I would be “wise” of us to pay attention to this when all too often the pressure is to look the other way. Surly women are not as selfish as men when it comes to relationships? Surly men aren’t scared or weak? If “as if” either sex deserved the pity and compassion of the other. I ask you an important question that everyone should ask themselves when seeking or maintaining a “romantic” relationship; what is in your heart? Wisdom will show the answer.
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind that you can't always "plan" for a quality relationship to happen. Sometimes you just have to "let go, and let God" and get out of your own way. I was in a similar place a in the middle of last year and was fed up with the dating world. I decided that I wasn't go to invest as much energy in "wooing" a person (i.e. worrying if what I said was right, or what the next "move" in the relationship was) and would spend more time focusing on being myself and being happy with or without a significant other.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's important to rethink your concept of discernment. You need to think about whether God is calling you to the priesthood or marriage regardless of what is available to you right now. It isn't a matter of personal preference, but of where He is leading your heart and your life. Perhaps some time spent deliberately single and focusing soley on discernment would help? I know it did for me. If He means for you to pursue the vocation of marriage, then He will provide you with the woman of his choosing at the time that He knows is best, and if He is calling you to the priesthood then He'll call regardless of what relationship experience you may or may not have had to compare it to.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't anything to do except to pray, wait, and trust. It's one of the most difficult things that we are asked to do, but it's one of the most important as well. May God bless you in your journey and discernment!
Pray, wait and trust. That is the best advice I've heard in a long time. I think we are always wanting the answer now; we want to see the bigger picture now, but we can't forget that our timing is not God's timing. I also want to add that it seems in our society we can have a tendency to look at being single as a negative, as if there is something wrong in our life. We need to stop doing that to ourselves. Being single, like you said, gives us time to discern where God is leading us. We should look to find joy in being single and be patient until God reveals the next phase to us. I recognize it is easier said then done, but if we start trying at least to change the old paradigm of thinking, then eventually I think we will begin to find the many blessings that can come during a time of being single.
ReplyDelete